There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
