Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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