just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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