I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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