well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
one might say we're banned from that church
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
