I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
