You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Shame - the story of my life.
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