I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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