Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
