I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
