he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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