On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
