I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
