so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
