i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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