Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
