Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
