This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
