she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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