i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
