Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
