Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
