it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
