the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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