So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
