I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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