I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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