sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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