so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
