You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
