I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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