was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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