it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He? As in you personified your dick?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
