I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
