i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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