Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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