i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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