I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
