My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
