I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
