Old men and throwing up are my life now.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
