As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
