I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can text with my tongue
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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