I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
