: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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