He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
