I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
