I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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