i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
