i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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